Day 16

I end up going to sleep at almost 3:00AM, studying very hard. I would have stayed up for longer, but I was starting to get sick, so I knew that having no sleep would have greatly exacerbated my oncoming illness. So, I stopped studying without getting to the end, and I went to sleep. I woke up sometime around 6:55AM, five minutes before my alarm clock was to sound. I stayed in my bed and held my alarm clock in my hand in anticipation of the ringing. Right as I began to fall asleep, my alarm went off. I felt more awake this morning than yesterday morning, but I still had to drag myself out of bed. My throat felt scratchy, but it was in the transition phase of becoming a sickness. I felt horrible and sad. Horrible because I was tired and sick. Sad because I stayed up very long to study Korean, but i'm still horrible at Korean among many other things.

I decided that I was going to wear clothing to match my mood. I wore a grey long sleeve shirt, bulky faded green pants, and a spacious darkish blue jacket. Feeling fabric cover almost all of my body, I instantly felt 100 times better; I felt more comfortable and protected in my little shell of clothing. Because Korea is a bit hot and humid, my parents were wondering why I was wearing such clothing during a summer day, but I just explained that it was the type of clothing I wore whenever I was sick. I needed my battle armor that day. I was feeling a bit depressed, so I didn't eat much (also, being sick made my appetite small). My parents spoke like two lines of Korean to me, but I couldn't understand it at all and was forced to default to a translation. Great :/

Today as I waled out of the house, I felt very horrible and depressed, so I decided that I was going to listen to some music and stay in my own little world as I went to school. I played my music and it was instant relief. I found the things that I liked about Korean and I reminded myself of my progress in such a short time. There is still such a long way to go, but I'm actually here, in Korea!, to learn Korean. My mood was lifted. Today was a solo type of day, just a day for me to be with myself and for me to take a break from trying so hard to get to know everyone.

I got to school in my own little world, looking up at the buildings and pretending that I was the only one walking down the street. I got to the lobby sweating and sat right in front of the air conditioner and, fortunately, nobody else was there. I could cool down my body with the air conditioner AND have some solitude, perfect! About seven minutes before we headed to class, a friend showed me her fanfiction of being a gudetama and I read it. I honestly did not feel like talking to her to reading the fanfiction, but I did anyway and it had a funny plot twist that I appreciated. In class, we switched seats based on a random drawing. We all picked a folded piece of printer paper and had to sit in the chair number that was designated from the paper. I got seat 1. Being sick and desiring some me-time, I was not super cheery in class. In fact, I was quiet and kept to myself. I looked sad because I was, but I knew that it was just a temporary feeling that would pass if I gave effort on moving on.

As class passed on, I discovered that I could understand more of the words being said and I felt my Korean level at a slightly higher level than usual. By focusing on myself, I was already doing better. However, I started feeling more and more sad as class passed on. I couldn't really talk to the person I sat next to because we didn't click in any way, and I also didn't feel like talking to other people for prolonged amounts of time, so I didn't put much effort into talking. Also, I was sick, so I just felt horrible all the time. However, I do find some comfort in being sick. I associate the feeling of being sick with days of skipping school, staying in bed while watching movies and eating skycrackers with nutella. I associated it with days of my past that I can look fondly back on. I felt comfortable due to the feeling that my illness gave me, but it didn't feel like it usually does when I am sick. It felt very new. Comfortable, yes, but not comparable to anything that I had ever felt.

Anyway, I felt worse and worse up until the start of the second class. In the first class, we played two games using vocabulary from the current chapter. The class was split in half, and a representative from each group had to go up. At first, I was called upon, but someone else, thankfully, took my place. In the first game, a word was written on the board behind the representative and we had to act out or use Korean to describe the word that was on the board behind the representative, but I was really bad at the game and also didn't feel very energetic, so I ended up not participating that much, only really watching. For the second game, the representative was given a word to draw and we had to guess it. Although I had studied the words all night, I was not able to guess any of the words at all, so I felt really horrible.

As the class ended and out break began, I felt like crying, but I was in class and had no good reason to cry at that moment, it was just something that felt natural to my body at the time. I felt bad for being sad in front of other people, but I was trying my hardest to control it. I did the trick where you bite a pen so that it forces your smiling muscles to activate, and I listened to some more of my music while reading some sentences in my Korean workbook to keep my mind busy, and I slowly but eventually felt a lot better. Then, as my teacher started class, my sadness left. I felt comfortable, calm, and with myself. I did, however, stay in solitude and probably looked very sad, but I was just having a 'me-time' day.

Again, I was able to understand almost everything during class today, however sad I may have looked. I felt very satisfied that I was able to understand a lot, but there still were some things that I didn't understand. However, this time around, I felt no sadness. In fact, I felt very happy and satisfied and honestly enjoyed my time in class. I wasn't able to embody my feeling because 1. I was running on less that 4 hours of sleep 2. I was feeling horrible from being sick 3. I was more focused on myself, and didn't want to fake outside happiness-- if my body wanted to look sad, it was going to look sad, I wasn't going to repress it.

I went home by myself today. I decided that because I was sick, I didn't want to get other people sick and I didn't want to strain my body, so I had better go home right after class ended. People were worried about me being all alone and stuff, but I needed my solitude, and let them know that I was doing better. I took some pictures of the campus and by being by myself, I was able to go where ever I wanted at what ever pace I wanted and I was able to focus on whatever I wanted as well. I noticed a lot more of the city and took my time, strolling through the buildings in a city where nobody stops to smell the roses.

School

Before getting home, I decided to explore Bangbae a bit, I wanted to see my city at my own pace, pushing myself off my path and allowing myself to walk slowly and look at everything while people pushed past me. It's an honest shame that everyone is so rushed by the 발리 culture and they don't go slowly sometimes, taking everything in and living in the moment. There were no benches on the sidewalk and no place to sit, so I had to take everything in without being able to just sit and allow my senses to be stimulated. I went into a 999 원 store and took my time looking at everything that was offered and eventually got a few snacks and a drink, trying new things. The cashier was very 발리 발리 and ignored my '안녕하세요,' but actually greeted the next person that entered, while I was ignored as I entered. Oh well, not a big deal I guess, it's just a different culture that feels cold to me.

I then walked further and further until the buildings started to become more and more boring, and then I crossed the street and headed back. I had a stationary shop (alpha) in my sights as a destination, but I looked down a road and saw a ton of shops, so I took a detour and explored a side-road. I discovered some cafes and stores that I had never known to exist. I saw a man help a stranger back up her car without one word. A good side of this different culture played right in front of me as I tried to get myself to match into the seemingly unfriendly (at least to me) 발리 culture. I wanted to have small conversations with people on the road or talk to the store owners or some store workers, but I knew that it was not in their culture to do that. I felt very limited and sad that I couldn't make some type of relationship with these people that I would probably never see again, but I accepted the cultural difference and walked back to the main road.

Feeling a bit sweaty and tired, I went into the stationary store, seeing that it was the largest alpha that I had seen. Being excited, I started to look at the merchandise, and got super excited. The music was by IU and the merchandise, although useless to me, was extremely cute! The store owner asked me something briskly in Korean, but I didn't understand her until the second time. "What are you looking for." she stated, seemingly condescendingly. I felt very unwelcome, but tried to explain to her that I was just shopping. I had to look around the store to see what I wanted to buy. She dropped me quickly and walked around suspiciously, making me a bit uncomfortable. I began to look through everything and took my time, considering if this pencil case fit my aethesthetic, or if the word on the case were really dumb. I headed up an isle, pencil case in hand, and started to look at the pencils in the isle in front of the cash register. I made eye contact briefly with the store owner, something common in America, but she asked 'what.' in a sharp way. I didn't have any questions, but I decided to make it not awkward and asked how much the pencil case was. She took it from my hands and scanned it, not giving it back to me. I continued to shop for a little bit until the lady said something to me in Korean. She was speaking very quickly and her accent was a bit hard to understand, so I tried to explain to her that my Korean wasn't very good, and for her to be patient with me. "I'm sorry, my-" she cut me off by saying something in Korean. It sounded like an attack and she pointed towards what seemed to be the cashier. I was very confused and couldn't understand what she was saying. She kept repeating it, so I tried to play a game of hot-or-cold and got closer to the cashier, pulling my wallet out. I saw a receipt next to the pencil case, so I thought that maybe she wanted me to hurry up, buy the pencil case, and leave. I heard her say 다음 살아요, but that made absolutely no sense in the given context, and she kept repeating it at the same speed, not trying at all to help me understand what she was saying. I then thought "is she kicking me out of the store..?" and I started to head out towards the exit. Then, she started affirming what I was doing. As I began to leave, with an extreme confused look on my face, I understood what she was saying. "다음 살 거야" "next time, buy something." I was very confused because she was speaking to me as if I was just some low person, I was used to people in stores, at the very least, using the polite -요 ending or the more honorific -(스)ㅂ니다 ending, but this lady was using and ending that is only used with friends - a very impolite thing. Now, if she was had a kinder tone, then I would feel that this is normal, but this lady was speaking to me super quickly and had her eyebrows raised, as if her face was saying "do this and no complaining, got it!"

 I felt very offended and sickened, and heading out, my mood once again ruined. I was shocked at what just happened. I started to feel absolutely disgusted with Korea's 발리 culture. First of all, if I hadn't seen the store and looked around, how would I know what I wanted to buy? Second, why was she being so condescending with me, a person who obviously was not very good at Korean and is not Korean? There was no patience or any attempt to accommodate. I thought back to the lady in the 999원 shop who wouldn't even stop to give me the time of the day, and the cashiers that work in the convenience store nearby my house who won't even look at the customer. Its definitely a difference in culture, but it feels so cold and uncaring. I felt extremely disgusted with Korea and started to generalize Koreans in my head, but I remembered not to be frustrated and to embrace all the differences. I thought back to my Korean teacher who was so nice and caring, and my mother, who was very kind to me. I sighed, being thankful that my experience in Korea wasn't just as an outsider. If I had not experienced what Koreans are like on a personal level, I would honestly think they were the most rude, uncaring people that I had ever met. As I think of the first thing that I actually really disliked of Korean culture, I started to compare it with American culture. However, I remembered that each culture is different in many ways and that there are also individual cultures within cultures. I remember some NSLI-Yians talking about a friendly 7/11 cashier who wanted to learn English and talked to them as they were getting merchandise from the store. I also remember the kind restaurant owner from yesterday that made me feel very warm and welcome. I still feel very offended and shocked from my experiences today, but I know that I will have to accept these differences. I walk home and take a shower.

After my shower, I begin to do my Korean homework. As I charge my ipod next to my computer, it falls about 1 foot. I think nothing of this. I try to use kakao talk and press the homescreen button, but it is now broken. Ok. Today is just REALLY not my day. As many things today try to pull me down, I think of the good things and my family and I push back up. Today is honestly a really horrible day, hopefully the worst day that I have in Korea. However, a horrible morning, noon, and afternoon does not make the night bad as well. It's up to me (and chance) to keep my spirits up and just live through whatever mess my life is at this moment in time, knowing that things are temporary. I live through my hardships and I live through my successes.

(additional update on how my night actually went coming up as soon as I actually get to the night)
For now, just enjoy this catchy and funny advertisement: